How I Feel

I feel full and weighted down.  :{  I hope I get over it.  I'm tired, too.  I need sleeping pills, but my mom said it's dangerous.

Dream

I had this good feeling walking around.  So, I was at this lot, like on a floor of a lot by an airport, like at a theater class, like Ellen DeGeneres was the teacher.  I was thinking about my mom's age.  I kept feeling good the whole time, like based with all over.  I don't distinctly remember the instructor.  I filed in early and found people in the class, 1 was like tall with light medium brown hair, bnags, glasses, straight smooth hair, another maybe black and kinda like the girl I'm working with a little plump a good height, another girl the same stature but white maybe like reddish darker hair, the other maybe some similar blend, maybe a little taller and slimmer.  I kept walking around, but I kept feeling good.  I think the instructor was like looking over shouting.  She was like concerned and caring but supposedly strict academically.  It's an interesting way to be, maybe was also looking for Ginny but not actually in this dream but probablya distant thought.

Disney World

Why is Ginny so sarcastic like Órla Karron Fallon and Ellen DeGeneres?  She acted like the kids here who are from Orlando since maybe around age 13 set themselves up to hypnotize themselves to submission that they had a fair shot at life compared to most people and that they did the right thing but that they were some *** object to Ginny just because she is like famous for doing the talking at Disney or something since the 80s.  The fact is it's just because she's attractive, too, and not like someone too skinny born like around the time of Céline Dion - and why do you find it tacky I mentioned her because it's not.  I haven't really heard anyone talk about it so don't know.  I want to talk about it, just mention it ... gotta problem, just trying to impress someone, trying to achieve some contrapted ideal?  I have a feeling it won't work ~ Just admit that she's ***y and has good ideals but gawp at the fact she's born in 1958 and has a mom from California, maybe appreciate her dad being from Pittsburgh-  I met up with people from another area, and their kids's mistake is that they are stuck up about working, like no one should help them in thinking about working, selling souveniers at Wicked, which is about the Wizard of Oz..  Bottom line don't sit there and shit with me about my parents's heritage, I'm not supposed to have to suffer because of it.  So, I mean, these kids are pressuring me not to succeed.  I want to find a place I can go, but I want to stay here so I can live easily.  They think you have to sit there and think you're nothing to encourage others to think they're nothing, have no goal they are striving for, think it's desirable, yet tacky, won't admit they have to go pleasure themselves themselves.  I know I used to be like that but not in that way.  I mean, I looked presentable, I didn't like role my eyes and buzz my lips at the teacher and show off my, like, nigger skin cells.  I didn't approve of thinking things were shit just to put off what I was supposed to do.  I wanted to be like you were supposed to, didn't think I was supposed to be like a beggar on the street, not sure how to elaborate on that nor shout it out.  Why is Ginny so inhibited.  Everyone I know who's moved here is outspoken.  Ginny just thinks I'm an adult, shoudln't know my age.  She doesn't respond appropriately, just doesn't really seem that accomplished.  It's bugging me, I don't want to have to respect like some thing she's saying I'm not good enough for when everyone before Tim Burton came around would like approach me, and no one will accept the new me.  No one even accepts I'm a kid to my mom, anymore.  My dad was already off.  He will cycle into the thought that he's not.  The kids here are totally the opposite and I can't get the pressure off to stop thinking about the pressure they have on me, that I need their attention or needed it, in some way.  They just won't get off.  I guess it's keeping me from thinking.  I want to feel attractive, not like Floridian scum.  I mean, Florida was supposed to be a good place, has a nice sea breeze and Disney World.

Bed

:/

Parents home @ 8..

Good. Nite. 3)

Being Young, Forever?

So, Ginny, do you care about younger people?

I have a problem, people, I don't wanna just be considered the peak feeling of Generation X, when I'm set up for Generation Y.

I forgot what I was thinking so might have to admit shit.  I am upset that I don't know many people.. I'm in a situation I guess, socially.. Anyway, I did notice that I'm ½ the age of people the age of parents like my mom's age would be, you know like almost 30 when I was born?  I was born in the 1980s.  The problem is that everyone planned I would not grow up until way after high school, but now Ginny feels uncomfortable around me, whether she tells you this or not.  I noticed, all of a sudden, that people who are only like maybe 15 years older all of a sudden don't see me as that much younger, some of them.

I'm also concerned about meeting people who are older and older who think they can like sorta ruin my life.  I don't understand why so many kids born in like 1989 or 1990 or earlier 1991 I guess would just be like attached to the peak generation of men born like around 1950 as old and suck up to them.  I don't know any men born in the 1940s.  I guess it's a thing about younger kids to older parents.  I know, though, that kids born in 1998 do enjoy adults born around 1960.  Maybe, they saved themselves solely for them, in life.  What am I supposed to do?  My life is changing.  People are getting like mimicy to me for saying I want people to act nice, like it's a robotic wish.  It's true, though, it seems that kids born in 1990 didn't really have it good and that 1s born in 1991 are considered like too active and then the 1s born the year after pretty much enjoyed life the way my generation was supposed to be successfully, you know? like thinking things are cute and not worrying so much about being in some certain mold and stress, in life.

So, I guess I'll just say it here on my like private forum, I mean, I want to live life like a kid, still have that interest, to post online.  As a person, I still like to be like a kid, I guess, dress like a kid.. I feel like a kid.. I look like a kid..  I was upset that boy from The Santa Claus is seen as being too young, and he's a boy but born a day before me.  Maybe, look at the star of Sydney White and Hairspray and the Olsen twins and Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff to think about me.  Charlotte Church, too.  Amanda Seyfried.  Brittany Snow from Hairspray.  So, it's true, if you're younger than me, I guess you'll grow up in a few years.

The problem was I still am a kid and if I'm over ½ the age of someone older than me from Late Boom, they might just not treat me like a kid.  I already have lots of problems fitting in as a generation.  The bottom line was to look like a kid born in 1997 and that 1998 was just too much, kinda prejudiced, shouldn't even exist.  The bottom line is I still am a kid, I just never really looked like a modern teenager.  I am not treated like a 1920 woman.  I will not be treated like I am too old by someone just because I am over ½ their age.  I counted from when I existed.  Hm...  That means this whole time I forgot I was passing up my mom in when she 1st existed.  Now, what?  At least, I planned, but it's just that I have a good relationship.  I pretty much have wanted to be like her.  I kinda wanna fastforward and solve my problems for like the next 3 years.  My relationship with her is good, though.  Maybe, she just sees me as her egg.  :(  Well, I look like my mom.  I just hope I am still a kid to her because if it doesn't work out I think I will need to be restrained.  I got a feeling as a Middle Easterner I was no longer young.  I'm not really Middle Eastern.  I guess I will just accept I have my mom's blessing and that the fact is what the fact is.  I still am a kid, though.  Not really, but it's like I don't feel mothered.  I'm just worried what my mom will think.  I might have to wait and see.  I don't want to be treated like I'm someone older.  I just don't feel life is all about looking like you're born in 1998.. maybe 1992? but not Miley Cyrus.  More like that girl Hayley on the Pirates board on MS.  So, help me with my mom, I really want to be a young kid to her.  She definitely doesn't see me as her age, have been trying to be like her age but feel the motherly relationship..not sure why things went wrong, really.  :|

Decisions Decisions

So, my parents are leaving tomorrow @ 4 to visit my grandma at my aunt's on the way to Gainesville until Wednesday.  I just am too tired to even visit..  I do want to see a movie I missed, maybe will see it in 2 weeks or pile up?

My brother is going to where he's going to college until Friday, I think..

E-Mail

2 New Dresses

I found 2 children's dresses I want plus 1 kind of pink blazer to go with them.  I also found children's shoes, a pack of knee high socks, some leggings, and some cheap costume gloves.

Pink Child's Party Dress 1
Size 13|14 - $49.99
http://www.flowergirldressforless.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=Flower-Girl&Product_Code=MB_1082HP&Category_Code=100#ad-image-0

Pink Child's Party Dress 2
Size 13|14 - $49.99
http://www.flowergirldressforless.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=Flower-Girl&Product_Code=MB_209HP&Category_Code=100#ad-image-0

Pink Tween's Blazers
Buy 2 of these - Size L - $6.99
http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_002VA50670501P?sid=IDx01192011x000001&kispla=002VA50670501P&srccode=cii_17588969&cpncode=31-86850801-2

White Children's Thigh Socks
Size 9-11 - $7.50
http://www.sears.com/joe-boxer-girl-39-s-7-11-3-pair-white/p-029F2493000P

White Women's Tights
Buy 2 of these - Size XL - $10
http://www.jcpenney.com/dotcom/socks-hosiery/knit-leggings/prod.jump?ppId=pp5002301332&N=1405&searchTerm=leggings&topDim=Color&topDimvalue=whites&dimCombo=Color|&dimComboVal=whites|&currentDim=Color&currentDimVal=whites&catId=SearchResults

White Party Costume Gloves
Buy 2 of these - 1 size fits all - $5.99
http://www.partycity.com/product/white+gloves+teen.do

Children's Shoes
Size 5 - $16.99
http://www.cookieskids.com/Product.aspx?l=00190069026400000000&p=RAM01236

Total
_______
$170.43

So, I hope you can get me the 2 dresses, + the rest to go with them.  I mean, if you can't get it all, I'd say not to get 1 of the blazers, but they are only $6.99, so, I mean, it's all very cheap.  The shoes are only $16.99.  The tights from JCPenney are $10 so must be good.  The gloves are $5.99 per pair.  The total being $170.43 guess the tax will make my monthly shopping for extra things or a nice set of clothes $200.  Otherwise, I have clothes, but I wanted to dress up more, like a girl, I guess.  :|  I hope you can buy this.  You can ask Mom to help or to borrow some of my monthly money she kept.  I hope you can get it, though, because I mean the dresses, I only am getting 2 things and each is only $50 for a fancy party dress, pretty good.  The rest is all very cheap: cheap blazers for $6.99, socks, tights, party costume gloves, and children's shoes.  So, without tax, the total for the 2 outfits for school at least this month is only roughly $170..  I don't plan to take gymnastics classes but may go to open gym, at least maybe tomorrow night when there's no school.  As for other shopping, I just may need more blonde shampoo, not sure how I will do my hair.  So nothing else big, as far as I know, until I need a fan.  So, see, the dresses are each only $50.  I probably will not go looking for any more school outfits.  I saw some things I kinda liked but not that much really.  I mean, maybe next month I'll find something but dunno.  Okay, I hope we can get it.  Thanks.

Trust My Mom With You Personally?

Would you say my mom shouldn't do to someone from Pennsylvania "what" she does to me?

So

Why can't you hold a thought, like let's just decide it was the wrong thing to do and not really care why she did it and don't expect me to talk to you.

Also, this better not excite you in any way.. but why do you think my mom looks like a girl?

Honking In

What do you think of my dad like honking in when my mom does something personal with me, like since I'm a really good girl, like he goes all schizo, that it isn't so, in feeling?

Mad

So, my mom just came in here, and she said she's giving me money each week..  So, she might mess up and like not really give me enough.  So, I have to sit there for a few minutes, think what to ask her, and then write a note..  Each week..  Then, she left the room like she -was- something.

Facebook Post

To: Renée Fleming

Nice to see all the posts here. I have been a fan of her I guess for a long time. My dad introduced me to her when I was a music major and got in voice. I had to leave after about a year. Well, I can sing. Anyway, I like to sing and move, at the same time.. }:] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAhVu9ImBWw&feature=share&list=PLaGbICdZ92sbD8UoEPjU9UcznBDNT6rYE Ms Fleming should get a personal site where she controls like a place for people to submit their singing if they so chose and she can chose to comment. }:] I think I had a more, you know, "melodious" voice.. when I was a bit younger. :| Why do people just want you to like submit the strenght of your voice?? :/ I just never got around to recording it so much. When I sang more softly and sweetly and very controlled compared to most everyone.., I remember recording it, but Heaven knows where the recordings went.. We lost all the recordings of me when I was younger and most of the good pictures I had.. The benefit of singing loudly as a child when I was with my little brother more I guess, probably gave me the strengt to carry on. I was a very symmetrical type person, wanted a figure but was not treated as a European. You know dancers don't have good voices. The thing is I did gymnastics and not so much dance 1st when I was younger only once or twice a week. I wanted to go every day but sing, too.  I wish I took voice from the Russian teacher who taught me piano, but I was too shy and then didn't have time to practice piano. I was good at piano, and it stimulated me more about music. You can hear it in the orchestra, even, and it really taught me about counterpoint and harmony|chords, more exercises in rhythm. Going to school to learn to be a holistic person in Gifted and some AP classes, I would fit in exercises of staccato... I know my music teacher's daughter did gymnastics. Her voice sounded like speaking or shouting as she got older, like she was too shy to sound sweet, like she had no imagination, maybe because she kept going to her mom for all the attention.. I was just sitting there a long time. So, yes, about kids who sing. My mom is very artistic, but as for singing I mean she has a pretty European accent? She majored in ESL, which is English as a Second Language. Er, my dad was a rhythm guitarist, so. :| He also enjoyed being a loved photographer of models when they had more professional, nice things available. I'm sure he was top notch, had 2 other jobs, made it through college, though, and now makes a lot of money.. His parents both loved to sing, but he just sang with his guitar alone sometimes, never cared to sing loudly like his parents. My parents only talk loudly when they're mad or if they think that something is funny.. So, I don't know why you don't listen to me if I'm interested in the same things you are and instead like saddle onto being interested in my parents, like I came with no kid. Oh, and my mom's mom wanted her to be a singer, but her sister sang just a little as a toddler-kid... and then she is a piano teacher now and so knows all about music, yes.. No, I don't mean she is a singer! I just touched base.. 8| So, anyway, I seem to have a lot of more attractive singing skills, like I'm a singing cartoon because I was hurt. I was able to catch on but didn't record much. My life became an experiment and I lost my singing skills but got more sleep but kinda burned out, I guess, wish I was somehow convinced I could take a break from college- :| So, don't come to like keep at me moralistically on my appreciation of the joy of singing, maybe enjoy me for who I am and not for like wanting something I didn't admit. Not many singers like me, not many would be like as good as me and more confident, like most of the boys are?? You just kinda watch, think maybe there's no hope, and that there's just a lot to improve, so just leave and have nothing to add but then realize I'm more talented than most people. You want to know my story, again?? Gymnastics gave me a good stomach as a kid, and then I quit... I was a very disciplined person but not withheld. I was a tomboy after my brother was born.. I used to talk a lot, so that would be a good thing. My parents often preached and croaked until a certain point in time that you are not supposed to dribble to babies, in fact most people did that lazily. My brother, however, studdered, and I think it ruined me.. I think I was told that I had nothing to say too much. It's like they expected us to take singing. So, then I told my mom I want to sing somehow.. I was 7. I told my parents, "I like to sing," when I was 5 and sang a cute school song for them. My dad was like, okay. He kinda looked at me mockingly, no one else does that like that, like when they chose to get close. So, my mom got me in choir. I do not know why she did not tell me about private voice. I think it was a secret, yes, in the world. I just don't want you to think anything bad because lots of kids's moms won't do that, maybe because like they do ballet or maybe they don't have the means. I wouldn't do that.. I still am not sure why. Maybe, I had problems. My parents used to want me to do ballet, but I finally did it. I just didn't want to be fat and sunken in. It definitely made me who I am today. I know my skin got whiter, but I don't know why. So, what's wrong with gymnastics if you do other physical things? I didn't actually do it when I was older.. and my voice got pretty and feminine because of it, maybe had enough. I know I did well in P.E. I mean, I was fit since I was toddler, like my whole life. I wasn't malnutritioned and didn't pig out on like candy and stuff. Maybe, I need to get in shape? I'm a human, though, and I like to eat tasty food, but I don't pig out on junk and soda, at all. I don't eat Italian shit. So, after being so perfectly fit from the gymnastics and being successful in what ballet I did, we listened to Enya and stuff and my parents got me classical music. I was known to be gifted playing by ear on the piano, starting at 9½, like lots of people who do well at like 12 are thought to be good, for example, and I was a good student, so, no one dare disapprove of me in the end, morally. :| "It's never to late to play the piano," everyone "said." So, I had fun with like Enya and stuff, like that, church music, didn't really play Enya, but I seemed to be like that. Luckily we had another Irish CD like that kinda, more folksy, and of course some other influences, of course.. I just won't accept people not accepting me. I am not a bad, dumb person. So, we moved, and then I started getting into musicals and was in a more casual choir, but it was righteous and sorta old.. I had some other experiences, I guess, and I got in college and then I had a year of voice where really they didn't seem to have any sorta talent to offer, you know? Singers can get fat, though, and lose their talent for not using it. Singers who like get in shape as singers, you might say, don't have powerful voices.  I count all my experience in music, theater with musical theater. I also had a great interest in pop music around the time of the Titanic. Why not help me? Is it just too late? No one really seems to appreciate me academically, the failures that exist today. I guess they don't stop and think about what's probably wrong with their own singing. I mean, you can't say you're better or everyone keep saying they're not good enough to make me feel good in any sorta meaningful way. They think that the education system was just like sorta bait or katnip you might call it. You know, I studied in Washington, a graduate course, my 1st summer of college. It's definitely a hidden desire once you dispose of dealing with me. :|

Unfair in Comparison

Why was I made fun of for keep going?  I know my dad "was unfair to my mom."

Ever think that people from other places don't really accept Elle DeGeneres?

I mean, I probably should have been more healthier to take voice.  Would have been nice.  Should find a European teacher.  Also want to take some sort of class from Ginny.  Probably not diction.  I feel as though I'd want to teach her to sing.  She could just have fun with me and like see if she knows squat.  I mean, she works with speakers and also with singers to speak, so that is very important.  I don't also just hang out with singers, I hang out with people to hang out.

Y

Why do people like my parents and like want something from them and maybe even want to help them?

Not Happy

Hey stop looking at me like I have to be in the style of my dad's generation, you messed up dweebs.. and stop telling me I'm a dork!

So, he came home early.. Spring Break.

Wasn't really happy to see his sour attitude, and he acts like my mom is younger, like his younger sister, I should s*** him.

Problem

So, why is it a sacrifice to talk to me?

I kicked the chairs of boys in class..  I've hurt people..

I just got a sarcastic message from my mom that I'm from Pennsylvania in a weird way.  Look, I don't have a problem learning in my life.  Stop telling me I can't be sarcastic.  You're uncool, stupid, a turd.  :(  Get over it, your stupid language barrier, you nigger.  Go to hell.

Can you GODDAMN stop telling me every feeling is true?  Just flip your lid.  Look I said stop.  What is this shit?  Why am I getting these messages?  Everyone does it.  I feel certain feelings, and I try not to get upset but find that no one really is impressed with me..

ARGH STOP

My mom put a shirt behind my shirts of my dad, I don't want to touch him in a perverted way, that's not how I was brought up, GO. AWAY. YOU GODDAMN NIGGERS-  I think I should just * you.  You better stop because I know what you did.  ,:[  What do you think I am, stupid?

Facebook Post

I just called to ask you when it was, guess I will have to call you tomorrow if I don't ask on Thursday while I'm waiting for my Therapist appointment.  I don't really know anyone in Orlando, so I don't know who to ask to come with me.  Lots of people I know have been interested in singing and things..  :(

♥ http://cab1986orlfl20.blogspot.com/2013/02/20130227-1.html

To: ginny.kopf

"Join me for the next Voice workshop! The Professional Voice (which includes training for the world of Voiceovers) starts Sunday 2-5. Call and we'll talk all about how it can help you get the acting work you want, whether it's voiceover, commercials, narrations, infomercials, and for vocal improvement for any kind of business you are in. It'll give you CONFIDENCE and CONTROL in your auditions and communication. Ginny Kopf 407-381-5275"

I think the voice is a personality tool and today I croaked up an emotion. Most people have something like a slur. They think their voice is just a product of their health. They don't even think about how their nose affects their voice. They don't even use singing in their lives... They don't care about race and don't attune to the accents like New York state, Boston & NYC, South Carolina and Georgia, the New Orleans dialect, and then the country, sometimes thought to be "the west." Floridians and Californians are really annoying but open, but I can't do anything about it because I'm a Floridian and people aren't open to me since my mom they somehow know is tan I guess and my dad might have Native American indian and the seemingly common German Jewish, like a lot of people. They really won't help me if I'm Native American. I just realized that in the south, they are more comfortable, the Native Americans. So, yes, I do have and have been told by my peers all the time when I was cool that I have a pure Floridian accent or rather that I have no accent I'm from Florida my accent is no accent that is the way everyone should be!!! I heard in L.A. and I guess throughout California.. like San Fransisco and the area that they have the Valley Girls and I grew to like it when I was in the New Orleans region. I heard that was all there was and all there will ever be, that there will be no new generations. :| Yes.. They just have really ***y voices and aren't muddled up in northern culture, but I had this friend who I think has a dad or maybe also mom from Canada. xp So... :| They not only have the pure voice but are so ...ed up, you know? They won't even think straight. They're like a hiccup, a ditzy. They just want to know where your parents are from because people from up north want to .... me for being from Florida and then criticize me for having blood from Scranton, etc.. PA Dutch? Also somewhere in NY. Like, they want to hurt me for my culture but never my voice. See, my mom has a European accent. You know, Ginny, not everybody can sing. I had to learn. My parents love good music. I grew up close to my mom ***ually but didn't like feel that tingly feeling so much. With my dad, we had the proper English relationship, no ... with my dad. I don't know about my brother, he's not very European and mocks me under protection of my parents.. I al ways grew up being the most European and was whiter than everyone else I told the people in the racial crisis type forum, but I changed since then. 8| In Loo eez ee anna lazy louisiana, they thought I was a foreign exchange student because of my mom. I actually sang more alone, there, so my accent kinda was lost. Oh, I just called but see you must have already gone to bed after class, I would but decided to do more singing and am eating and had to get my stuff etc., loading some practice videos, too. In Orlando, I got a sorta s--- voice.. I picked up on the tacky things here, also had this ½ Spanish ballet teacher who was young who said things funny maybe like brruther. I also picked up on the really low things in the New Orleans area. I didn't really connect with the girl from San Fransisco's voice. :| Same with the girl from L.A. I just don't in that sorta bland, raspy way. I finally got rid of the accent of the girl from NYC I'm working with for a lot of the part.. So, I feed off of people from California. I see you feed off of people from certain places. I saw Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Washington (state,) 2 from Wisconsin. Ah I'm gonna go eat guess I'll catch you later.. :) I see we can't Share, anymore, is there a reason? I see that sometimes.

Hi, yes, I would like to come. I hope this is a big turnout. I guess I have to make sure I ask you where it is. If it's not in your home, I wonder if there will be a nice place to eat. :) My mom can't make it, and I'll probably just go without my dad. I see people I knew online in Northeastern Florida.. but they haven't spoken to me and are busy with their lives, would like to come some of them, though. Even my aunts are busy. 1 of them might not be. You'd know she's about your age.. but she doesn't e-mail me, now, I guess because I haven't e-mailed her lately.  I don't seem to know anyone in Orlando but know I've seen people thru my mom.

Problem

So, Ellen brushes aside a plethora of crap she spews online or whatever..

So, why would my mom be NYC Sears tower crap?  She wants to be something but is respectful, considered whiter than people they like.  How dumb.  Don't ruin my mom, you uglies, I know what you think you did not do.  Just **** Ellen.  :{  I think Ellen is gay and mean.  She's too gay to speak her mind because she's not that white?

Orlando ballet

What's so good about the ballet here?  I already tried going to all the places.  They're a bit fake.  I really don't get it.  They just aren't like constructed in the flesh.  They're more like there for fun but not good, not good people, as everyone knows.  I had this nice roommate with bright red hair who was homeschooled.  The ballet teacher's daughter looked very hollow as she got older, impressed everyone she encountered, also homeschooled.  I guess her mom moved to the New Orleans area or maybe her mom.  I thought they moved there later.  So, she's kinda gay.  Her dad is really nice, so I don't get it.  Her mom is so ***y.  Like, she has like a protruding forehead, reminds me of Ginny.  I guess her mom is ***ier.  I mean, my dad has ***y sisters.  It makes people mad that he's nice.  I kinda thought of myself as my mom because I thought it was sweet and it'd be gay otherwise because I'm a girl.  I relate to my dad like I'm the female!  He's not some perv born in 1953 like his sister.